Sometimes you don’t write things for a very very long time.
Then, when you try to write something REALLY significant, you end up writing amusing articles about your boyfriend
…being discovered as a rare species of Monster Face.
Here is one of those articles.
Personally, I think more people should be warned about these terrifying threats to the human race. Don’t you?
Let’s all have a party.
I mean…start a campaign…
GIVE ME YOUR PASTRIES.
A Brief Summary of
The Brian Monster Face
Over the years, the general description of the Brian Monster Face has become somewhat misleading through several layers of urban legend and heaps of exaggeration by certain public servants. Below is a direct quote from a private citizen with first hand experience of the creature.
“Don’t get me started on this Brian Monster Face chap, he’s rather a silly creature. He can go eat the most vile, vomit inducing worms out of the cold hard ground. He is a menace to society and must be stopped. No bakery within 10 miles of him is safe.”[1]
As far as the human race knows, there is only one of the species in existence. He has the complexion of a wild boar in spring time and often times, in the personal opinion of this reporter, the temperament of an angry beaver.
A strange, baffling creature with many flaws to note that impair the quality of life for those around him, the Brian Monster Face is known for his thieving and scalwaggery which he (quite disgustingly) practices openly against the general public. However, scientists have argued for years that the Brian Monster Face is one of the most docile creatures on planet earth. If you should ever find yourself face to face with a charging, semi-irate Brian Monster Face all that is required to subdue this raging hormonal beast is a well timed scratch behind the ears or a well aimed chocolate projectile.
Despite his coarse nature the Brian Monster Face has fascinated zoologists and scientists with his ability to adapt to most harsh environments. Like a snake in the Sahara, the Brian Monster Face will shed his skin for another more befitting of the climate, or to protect itself from vicious enemies (such as Steve Dragons or Film Critics). This reporter has personally seen him don scales, porcupine spikes, fur, and crystal skin.
However awesome this ability may be, this prevents the Brian Monster Face from enjoying most physical contact from humans and even animals. People have been left scarred by simple hugs, bunnies and kittens flee from the prospect of his touch. It is a lonely life for the Brian Monster Face.
Another amazing feature of the Brian Monster Face, as well as his ability to adapt, is his general rapidly changing physiology. The Brian Monster Face is prone to almost instant evolution whenever it feels up to it really. This has resulted in some fascinating features that have left wildlife photographers dumbfounded. For example; some say the Brian Monster Face once had a pair of magnificent deer horns on his head which subsequently rotted away to give ample balance for two large bat wings on either side of his face.
It has also been rumoured that his teeth are made of an unbreakable stone, apparently set by a tribe of mountain trolls after an altercation with a Minotaur caused him to lose the original ones (allegedly he lost them during after losing a vicious game of scrabble but at present there are no witness accounts of the ordeal to prove this to be true).
There has been photographic evidence of a tail, once the most famous trait of the Brian Monster Face. It was reported to be about 5 feet tall, the colour of moss and as bushy as something incredibly bushy. As magnificent as it may sound, the tail was actually a haven for termites, lice and the occasional garden snake. In fact, some rumours on the tail have suggested there was a thriving society of woodland creatures living within its furry tresses that eventually migrated to the beard region of the Brian Monster Face.
The tail also had a pungent tip which we believe was originally intended to paralyze enemies of the Brian Monster Face although this never really proved to be an effective weapon. Witness accounts have revealed that the spores on the tail’s tip only released a mild stimulant that smelled vaguely of marshmallows[2], all it really did was attract bears. Eventually the tail wore itself down and all that remains of it is a small tuft of mossy fur just above the fearsome buttocks of the Brian Monster Face.
Specialists at the Centre for Strange and Freaky Animals are still trying to pin down all of the physiological and emotional traits of the Brian Monster Face. However, studies have abruptly stopped due to his recent escape from an isolated prison off the coast of Alaska.
It is the hope of all of us hard working people at the CSFA that the Brian Monster Face will be caught, brought to justice for the 237 worldwide cookie thefts and studied further for hardcore science-y reasons[3]
So, what other mysteries will this strange beast reveal to us? What unearthly, bewildering act will he horrify the world with next?
Only time will tell.
[1] Stephen Hill, Interview with a Stephen, 2014
[2] The Brian Monster Face is said to live only on processed food and baked goods and uses the scents of them, we assume, for hunting purposes. We are unsure if he is aware that this comes across as very silly.
[3] Sir Elderdandy Stranglefoot the Third, Founding Member of the CSFA, 2014
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